Lori's living testimony - May 19, 2015

A year ago today, Lori filmed this message to all...Brandi and I were on our trip to the mainland and our good friend Alwyn Erub and his friend videotaped this 13 minute testimony and thank you.  Little did we know that Lori had only 12 days left here with us on earth, but an eternity with God.  She did it in one take..my brother from another mother and great friend Jerry Abdul was there and called her "one take Lori!. Heidi Van Horn and Sulin Kalua, a part of Lori's care group were there as well and among the bountiful of blessings was that Doug and Lisa Nobriga, Lori's brother and sister-in-law came up to visit to her from Kauai.

Her message was filled with so much hope, joy, praise and thankfulness that what God was doing in her life was bigger than what we understood.  I was able to see the the initial version after Lori passed, she never got to see it.  But why would she, she made it..lol.  They did some edits, including, taking out a picture of Brandi, who Alwyn and his co-producer thought was Lori at a young age...people always knew whose daughter Brandi was...Brandi and her were twins from birth.

This video was shown at her Celebration of Life Service and we believe it helped people see God's sovereign and gracious plan through it all.  I treasure this video, because I get to hear her voice and see her smile and her humor and every little subtle thing that I knew of her....so amazing.  I am so reminded how blessed I was to be married to this wonderful woman of God for 25+ years.  She loved me through it all, she never gave up on me, she saw the good of God in me, even when I did not...she may have been mad at me at times, disappointed but her love was aloha pau'ole love, never ending.  Please enjoy the video and thank you all for being a part of the journey.

Another thing I wanted to share was that a news report was released just a few days ago.

The cancer drug Keytruda, that Lori was Hawaii's first clinical trial case, and #488 in the entire USA, has been shown to be extending people's fight with cancer at a 40% success rate of extending their lives either in full remission or stoppage of the tumor growth.  Lori did 3 rounds in July, August and September 2014.  Though it may not have had the full effect that is being talked about now, her results and experiences contributed to the 655 test case group.  Lori was willing to take the risks of an unknown drug, not to just extend her life, but be a test case for future treatment.  As always, looking out for the interest of others in lieu of herself.

Keytruda article #1

Keytruda article #2

In Philippians 2:1-4, it says this:

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.  3Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others.  

Lori lived out her life in the way the Apostle Paul asked all Christians to live, as Jesus asked us to live...regard others more important than yourself...look out for the interest of others.  That doesn't mean that you look down at yourself or put others on pedestals, it means that we must love others as Jesus loves them, as He sees them - as valuable and important enough to have concern, care for them...to be involved in their lives with love, support, grace and mercy.   Lori lived like that 100%..and you saw the fruits in her family, in her close friends, in the hundreds and 1000's of kids she came in contact with...she loved others and put others first at the sake of her own interest...wow!

Thank you babes for the living legacy and the fight you fought.

Lord, thank You!!  That is all that needs to be said!  Love you Lord and love you Lori!!

May 11 2015 - Lori moved to Hospice

A year ago today, Lori was blessed to be transferred from Queen’s Hospital (after being in there for about 2 months) to St. Francis Hospice in Nuuanu.  This was definitely a blessing from God to allow Lori to transition well into her next step of eternity with God.  She had been through some tough times in the previous 4 weeks; near death, treatment – both chemo and radiation, broken bones in her spine due to the cancer growing, vein issues, family and friends visiting..and the whole process of reconciling that her time was now very short.  The decision to move into hospice, which pretty much is choosing to not to do any more life-saving treatment, and just allowing the natural health process to occur…was not a difficult one.  Lori knew that she had fought hard and fought well…and God’s will and timing was more important to her than her will and timing.  We did not know how much time she had left, but we knew that time was short.  Looking back now, those 20 days with her where so special. 

I believed I shared this before, but Lori was not afraid of dying..she knew her end game, being with God…but she was fearful of how it would occur.  2 very special friends (Cora and Ann) made it a point to reassure her based on God’s word and assurances, that when she was to leave this temporal place, the next step into eternity would be filled with so much joy.  Lori and I were at peace with this decision…Dr. Chong still thought he could fight the cancer, but in his last visit with Lori, told her she fought the cancer in such a way, with so much courage and peace, that he had never seen.  He was bonded to Lori through this all, and we know that Dr. Chong saw who God was and is through Lori.  Lori presented the Gospel continually to him, and we continue to pray for His salvation if he has not already accepted the Lord.  Dr. Chong was a great blessing to us.  St. Francis was so accommodating, so peaceful..we were blessed by the time there. 

As I type this post, I am continually reminded by Lori’s life scripture: Joshua 1:9

 As much as I believe Lori hung on to this scripture through her battle, I believe God was speaking this scripture through Lori to us all.  You see, in Joshua 1, Moses had just died and his successor Aaron was now designated to lead the Israelites across the Jordan River (which we were at 2+ weeks ago) into the Promised Holy land that God had promised them and there would be major challenges and struggles.  God was commanding Joshua to be strong and courageous!  In the 9 verses of this first chapter, God said this 3 times (vs 6, 7 and 9) and when God repeats things 3 times, it is a pretty important statement.  He was telling Joshua, that He had been with Moses through his life, and all the struggles and all the challenges and all the promises, and that God would continue on and be with Joshua.  So as I shared a bit earlier, as much as this life scripture was for Lori, I believe God was using Lori to share this with us that God was with her through it all…through her 46 years and 363 days of life..through her birth, the death of her sister, the abandonment of her mom, the struggles of seeing her dad suffer, growing up in a small house with an extended family, taking care of her brother who was only 1 year younger than her, going away to college and then coming home…meeting me, getting pregnant, blessed with a baby girl, putting up with my pride and ignorance for 13 years and my bad choices and crippling financial debacle, seeing me through my criminal conviction and supporting me (even though she was mad at me) through the 12 weekends of prison time, my mom’s death, Brandi’s own struggles, her work and her career, the period during work where people were being devalued and fired by the dozens and she carrying their burdens even when management did not even care, my crazy business ventures, Brandi’s college fire in her freshmen year, my health scare and eventually her own battle with this crazy cancer diagnosis…God was with her through it all..He never abandoned her, never forsook her, but was by her side through it all.  God was there…and because she knew that He was there during her time here on earth, she knew full well that God would be with us, with me and Brandi and with her family and her friends who believed in Jesus till their end of time.  God was always there…comforting, assuring, loving, gracious and just there. 

I am so thankful and grateful to be able to process this out healthily with God reassuring me along the way that He is with me…regardless of the emotions and the loss of Lori, God is still here.  There is so much hope, so much joy, so much promise that I am blessed to continue on and share the legacy of Lori…her love, her compassion, her care, her joy for all those she was blessed to come in contact with.  Every day for me, is one where I remember her, honor her and thank God for her, full well knowing that God has more in store for me moving forward.  I am able to look back to where we were, in order to move forward to where God is taking me to…across my Jordan River.  I remember a Willow Creek speaker, a Baptist Black Bishop (code for highly energetic and highly excitable in presenting God’s word-wish I remembered his name) who was sharing about the Vikings of old who used to paddle these huge boats in the Atlantic when going to battle…they would sit on these chairs, 20-30 men, with oars sticking out on the side and they would be paddling in unison, but they were looking at where they were coming from, even though the boat was moving to where they were headed…the Bishop said, that in order for them to get to where they needed to go, they had to see the past of where they came from, but not be stuck in it or worried about it…they had to know that they were going towards their goal.  Just like in our Hawaiian culture, we need to remember the past and honor those that came before us – so we can move to our future.

For me, I will continue to honor Lori and her legacy and my love for her continues on…but I know that the future of where God is taking me to is my ultimate destination.  One thing is for sure, the day I take my last breath..I will see my Lord and Savior and fall at His knees and rejoice in His presence..and then the very next person I will see..will be Lori.  God has been with me through it all and with Lori through it all and with Brandi through it all.  Regardless of the outcome or the situation or circumstances, God is still here. 

I saw this video today of a song sung by Martina Mcbride, “I’m going to love you through it.”  And its funny as much as I think I was loving Lori through it, it was more so that God was loving her and me and all of us through it…the battle, the journey, the relationships…He was there through it all.  And now, even more so, I know He is loving me through it…loving Brandi through it…and he’s got an angel, well maybe 2, Lori and my mom – praying for us and loving us and intercessing for us, for me – for you all.

Lord, thank You for Your love, Your hope, Your promises, Your assurances, Your grace..for You just being here for me as you were for Lori.  Thank You for loving me through it..it meaning all…I give you all the glory and honor in all that I am and trust in You for your will and way. 

Love you all!!

Back to the 808

Well, its been over a week since we returned from the trip of my lifetime...I will forever be grateful and mindful and reminded of the blessings and miracles that I/we witnessed, saw, lived out and enjoyed on that 14 day adventure.

Since returning home, work has been at the forefront of my everyday routine.  I truly enjoy what God has blessed me with the last 3.5 years and what I am doing.  Being able to share with so many the trip and the experiences and sharing with them about Jesus and where He lived and walked, has been super cool. Also, seeing our church ohana was such a great blessing as well..boy did I miss them.

Sunday, May 1 marked a few significant things for me:

It's 11 months since Lori passed.  Facebook has this function that allows you to see the memories that you posted 1 year ago on that day.  And 1 year ago, we were on the last month of Lori's remaining time here on earth, full well not knowing the time of when she would be leaving us here on earth, but full well knowing where she was going - to be with the Father.  Along with the FB posts, I was looking at my weekly updates to her care group, this wonderful group of people that had been living out this journey, this mission trip of helping Lori through the battle, but also helping ourselves with the process and in that process seeing Aloha Pau'ole, never ending love, being lived out.

The month of May is also Melanoma Skin Cancer Awareness month.  Lori was diagnosed with Melanoma Skin Cancer in her anal canal..where the sun don't shine..go figure.  Sure was a portagee joke in there somewhere, literally..lol!  This rare form of cancer, ate away at her insides although she remained gorgeous and beautiful till the very end.  We talked about making a shirt that would represent her true feelings when people told her "WOW, you look great!!"  She always wanted to respond with a "Yeah, I look great, but I feel like s&)(&(&"...lol..typical Lori..always real, but yet compassionate.

May also marked a time when Brandi, Lori and I had to really press into our faith and our trust in God...on May15, 2015, Brandi and I left on a trip to LA so that I could go and keep a commitment to perform a wedding for our dear family friends, Tama and Olympia Hugo in Diamond Bar, CA and then take a mini-vacy to Santa Barbara to visit friends.  We did not know if we would see Lori ever again in person when we left on Friday night...but we trusted that God would provide His timing and His will in it all.  Lori had to trust that she would be at peace if this was the last time she would see us and we had to trust in God that there would be no regrets in not taking this trip and taking this trip..if you know what I mean.

For the next few weeks, it will be emotional for me on a daily basis...last year seems so far away..330+ days ago..but the memories, the emotions, the love...still are vivid and real in my heart and in my mind.  I remember how we handled and processed out everything while at Queen's prior to moving her to St. Francis.  I remember, thinking Lori was going to pass in late April and Dom coming and praying over her and many friends and family at her side, signing, praying, worshiping God and then the next day, she was like.."I ain't leaving yet!"  I remember her talking to Nana Nobriga via speaker phone at Queen's 7th floor lobby with the Adsuara's, the Abdul's and her brother and sister-in-law there listening to her portagee grandma and her have a discussion..so funny...I remember the day, Shari came to visit and she wanted to go walking in her wheelchair and she said, "let's make a break out of here!"  My wife was classic!!

I remember it all....boy, do I miss her!  But life goes on!  God has been so good, so awesome in it all. The people He has placed in our lives, believers and non-believers...so much joy, support and Aloha Pau'ole (never ending love).

I close with this...I am posting a email update dated May 5, 2015 that I sent out to Lori's care group and immediate family.  Towards the end, managing the remaining time she had and the information was crucial for her peace...as she did not need to be overwhelmed with the emotions and the people coming for comfort when she needed to be at comfort...but as usual, she did the comforting for many of us. This was a raw and real email that I typically sent to the care group (16 people, women and their husbands who provided the awesome care over the last few months).  I would then send out a mass update to all of our family and supporters with a little less info and more hope.

These people were very close friends, new friends and people who loved God and knew the outcome would be bigger and more joyous than the process.  I will be forever grateful for these chosen few..who loved my Lori to a place of freedom...who loved Brandi and I and supported us through it all and still do.  God blessed us with these angels.  Love you all!!

Email dated May 5, 2015

Good morning all:

This email update is meant for you all and ask that you do not pass this on yet. 

We are still trying to limit Lori’s visits to her caregiver group for the time being.  Will let you all know when visits are okay.  Trying to allow her to rest and conserve her energy to counter the side effects of the treatment and the cancer.  Here is the most current update.

As you all know and saw for yourselves..it was a touch and go moment last week.  With her treatment on Wednesday and her declining body function (lungs, pain, and heart rate), it was looking like she would not make it through the weekend.  Through much prayer, encouragement and the fight and stubbornness of Lori’s spirit..she continues to battle.  Over the weekend, the pain management team adjusted her drugs so that she could rest more comfortably, breathe a little bit easier and not have so much delirium and agitation when she got up.  It also helped that we limited visitors to prevent from her escalating emotions going up and down.  She is not wanting to quit on her treatment and is hoping for a miracle, as we all are.  However, we also must know and understand the realities of this battle.  I have been sharing with her, that its okay to rest…to take peace in knowing that the prize and reward out of all this is God and being in His presence.  As much as it is good to be here, as we all selfishly want, the main end game is eternal life with God, with no pain, no worries, no suffering.  I am all for God doing a miracle in this situation, but I am also okay with God allowing Lori to be with Him..He is in control of this situation, not Lori, not me, not the doctors, not any of us….and I strongly believe that God gets the glory in whatever happens with Lori.  This is a learning moment for us all.  Some have asked the question, “Why is this happening, how come so young, etc”…I don’t have an answer for that…but I do know that God’s plans are way bigger than Lori’s plans, my plans, our plans. 

On Sunday, she fell when she stood up cause she thought she heard her Nana call her.  The nurses checked her out and they did an xray yesterday and nothing was found to be broken.  She is still having soreness throughout her legs, liver and back – typical symptoms of the treatment and the cancer.  She has had fever at night (chemo fever).  They did a blood culture and urinary test and both came out negative.  She is still on antibiotics just in case.  Her oxygen level with the O2 mask is at 99%.  They did a test yesterday that when she takes off the mask and does no activity, her Oxygen level is ok…but as soon as she starts to move around and do stuff her heart rate skyrockets, which causes her to be out of breath, thus needing the oxygen.  Her heart rate is still high, above 130 on average.  Her right lung is still affected by the tumor.  Her left lung sounds ok for now.  She has been making BM’s daily.  Not eating a lot, but when she wants something we make sure she gets what she wants.  Dr. Chong is doing a blood test today to see how her numbers are 1 week after treatment.  So that’s a  lot going on. 

She is still scheduled for her next treatment next Wednesday as planned and will remain in hospital till then.  She gets a little frustrated that she is stuck in the bed all day and just sleeps, but her trying to walk hurts her more.  So we try to get her to sit up here and there, we try to take a stroll in her wheel chair when she’s up to it, and massaging her legs helps out a lot.  But all these things, except the massage, makes her super tired.  So we let her rest.  Her brother Doug and sis-in-law Lisa came up this past weekend and were a huge blessing, thank you for being with Lori. 

We all continue to pray for Lori, for a miracle, for God’s hand in this all.  I ask that you take some time and get to a place where we can all see the goodness of God in all of this.  In God’s time He will do what He needs to do it when He does it, and our job is to make sure that Lori sees the victory in where she will be.  She is closer to the presence of God than any of us barring some freak accident or health issue.  Lori needs to be reassured that God is in control of her concerns, of her worries, of her family, of her nana, of me, of Brandi…of all of us…She does not need to hang on to anything that does not help her be at Peace with God.  We will, I will, stand with Lori through this fight, but when the time comes, I want her to be assured of her future promise, future hope and future home with God…there is great joy in this and we will celebrate when it does happen.  In the meantime, we make her comfortable, we help her process and we give her peace and allow her to be in peace through this all. 

If any of you want to talk with me and process this out more, please call me…but this is where we are at.  Praying for us all…love you all and God bless Lori!!!

Sean